Letting Go of Anger:

When to Confront and When to Move On

Anger and resentment are powerful emotions that can take up a lot of space in our hearts and minds. Often, these feelings are directed at people we may never confront—whether because it’s too difficult, the relationship has ended, or we fear the consequences. Holding on to anger can weigh us down, while learning when to let go or when to address the conflict can lead to emotional freedom and personal growth. In this post, we’ll explore how to recognise when to confront someone and when to move on, and we’ll share some strategies for managing anger and navigating conflict. 

“I was holding onto anger for years towards someone I didn’t even care about. I didn’t care about confronting, but I couldn’t release it. When I let go, I couldn’t believe how much lighter I felt.” – Story from one of our Mental Health Movement members.

 

Understanding Anger: Why Do We Hold On?

 

Before diving into how to let go of your anger, it’s important to acknowledge that anger isn’t inherently bad. As Cicely Horsham-Brathwaite, Ph.D., a counselling psychologist, explains, anger provides us with valuable information—it alerts us to a perceived threat or injustice. In fact, anger can often reveal something deeper that needs addressing, whether that’s unmet needs, boundaries that have been crossed, or unresolved trauma. 

However, while anger can be a catalyst for necessary change or action, holding onto it for too long can harm our mental and physical well-being. Chronic anger, much like stress, triggers our fight-or-flight response, releasing cortisol and adrenaline. Over time, this can lead to health issues like hypertension and heart disease, making it vital to embrace anger, learn from it, and then work toward releasing it. 

 

When Should You Let Go?

 

Releasing these emotions doesn’t mean accepting wrongdoing or forgetting how someone hurt you; it means choosing peace over prolonged emotional turmoil. If confronting the person isn’t likely to lead to resolution or healing—perhaps the person is no longer part of your life, or they’re unwilling to take responsibility—letting go might be the healthier choice. 

 

Signs It’s Time to Let Go:

 

  • The person is unavailable, unwilling, or unable to have a productive conversation: For example, you may have tried to reach out to a friend who hurt you, but they continuously avoid the topic or dismiss your feelings, making it impossible to have a meaningful conversation. 
  • The anger is no longer serving you and is affecting your emotional well-being: You may find that your anger toward a former colleague who wronged you is still causing you stress months after leaving the job. This constant emotional strain may be affecting your sleep and mood. 
  • You’ve tried addressing the issue before, but it didn’t lead to a satisfying outcome: If you’ve confronted a sibling multiple times about hurtful behaviour, but they refuse to acknowledge their role, continuing to hold onto the anger may only deepen your frustration. 
  • The relationship is no longer important to you, and you’re holding onto anger out of habit: Sometimes, we realise that we no longer care about the person who hurt us—like an old schoolmate or an ex-partner—but the anger remains simply because we haven’t consciously worked to release it. 

 

Tips for Letting Go:

 

  • Be honest about your anger: It’s essential to acknowledge that you’re angry without feeling guilty about it. You don’t have to suppress or rationalise away your feelings. It’s okay to be angry- honesty with yourself is the first step toward healing. 
  • Write it out: Journaling can be a powerful tool to express and regulate your emotions. Ask yourself, “Why am I angry right now?” Writing down your thoughts can help you reflect on whether the anger is rooted in reality or if it’s based on assumptions. 
  • Practice self-distancing: If you’re feeling stuck in your anger, try imagining yourself as an impartial observer- a “fly on the wall”- to gain some emotional distance. This third-person perspective can help reduce negative self-talk and prevent rumination. 

 

When Should You Confront?

 

While letting go can bring peace, sometimes confrontation is necessary for healing and moving forward. If the relationship is valuable to you and the issue is too significant to ignore, confronting the person directly may help you find resolution or closure. 

 

Signs It’s Time to Confront:

 

  • The relationship is important, and unresolved conflict is affecting both of you. 
  • You believe the other person is unaware of how their actions affected you. 
  • You feel a conversation could bring about positive change or closure. 
  • You’ve calmed down and can approach the situation without hostility. 

 

Tips for Confronting Someone:

 

  • Stay Calm: Before confronting someone, take a few deep breaths. Anger is not only mental- it also affects the body. Activating your parasympathetic nervous system through deep breathing can help you regulate emotions and prepare for a calmer conversation. 
  • Use “I” Statements: Express how you felt about their actions without blaming them directly. For example, say, “I felt hurt when…” rather than, “You always make me feel….” 
  • Be Open to Listening: Approach the conversation with the goal of understanding, not just being understood. Active listening can transform confrontation into a productive dialogue, rather than an escalating argument. 

 

Managing Conflict: Strategies for Moving Forward

 

Conflict doesn’t have to be destructive- it can lead to deeper understanding and improved relationships if managed well. Here are some practical tips for handling conflict constructively: 

  • Get in your body: If you’re still feeling overwhelmed by anger, consider engaging in physical activity like a walk or even some intense exercise. This helps your body process the stress hormones released when you’re angry, making it easier to approach conflict with a clearer mind. 
  • Find Healthy Distractions: Sometimes, when the anger feels too overwhelming to process in the moment, it’s okay to take a break and distract yourself. Whether that’s cuddling with a pet, calling a friend, or watching a favourite show, healthy distractions can help you regain your emotional balance. 

 

Conclusion: The Power of Letting Go

 

Letting go of anger and resentment can feel like a daunting task, but it’s one of the most liberating steps you can take for your emotional health. Whether you choose to confront the person or release the anger on your own, the decision should come from a place of self-compassion and a desire for peace. Holding onto anger harms you more than anyone else. By letting it go, you create space for healing, growth, and a healthier relationship with yourself and others. 

Do you have a story about letting go or confronting unresolved anger? Share your experiences with us- your experience can help reduce the stigma and raise awareness. 

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Further Reading:  

Dr Cicely Horsham-Brathwaite’s views on anger,  https://www.self.com/story/how-to-deal-with-anger  

More on Conflict Resolution Skills: https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/communication/conflict-resolution-skills  

More on forgiveness, “Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness”: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art20047692#:~:text=Letting%20go%20of%20grudges%20and%20bitterness%20can%20make%20way%20for,Improved%20mental%20health.