If I Had More Courage, I’d Leave My Partner

Finding the courage to live authentically

When I left my Husband, I had to let go and in a way surrender to the fears I had been holding onto. I realised I was afraid of being alone, of losing someone I didn’t love anymore but still cared for, someone who had been by my side for most of my life. Because I was too afraid of letting go, of letting him down, I was withholding love from myself.By holding on, I was preventing myself from living authentically and fully embracing who I am.”– Rachel

This story comes from a member of our Mental Health Movement who has asked to remain anonymous. Their experience outlines how living an authentic life can mean letting go of significant relationships. The difficulty of realising a relationship no longer serves who you are or who you want to be. Making the decision to leave is an incredibly difficult one. But one we often have to make to live an authentic life. 

 

But what is an authentic life?  

 

It’s a tricky question because an authentic life looks different for everyone. However, it’s often easier to recognize when one is not living authentically. 

  

Do you feel like you’re just going through the motions, acting based on what others expect rather than what you truly want? When we focus on pleasing others instead of being true to ourselves, life can feel draining and unfulfilling. 

 

This is why it’s often a shock to people when we make a big life decision like the decision to leave our partner. These decisions often don’t align with what people expect from us despite it being an authentic decision.  

 

What is Authenticity?  

 

Now we know what an inauthentic life can look like, what does it mean to live authentically?  

 

The most agreed upon answer is that being authentic means to live your life in accordance with your own values and goals, rather than the values and goals of others. Living authentically means you’re true to your personality and values, regardless of the pressure you may feel to act otherwise. Practising authenticity means being honest with yourself and others. It means taking responsibility for your mistakes and being willing to accept the consequences of being true to what you consider to be right. 

 

Why should you live an authentic life? 

 

While this may seem like a strange question, as why wouldn’t you want to live an authentic life, it’s important to know why you’re doing something especially when it involves something difficult, like leaving a partner. Knowing your reasons helps you stay committed to your choice, even when the path is challenging. 

 

When you live authentically, you don’t have to worry about what you said (or didn’t say), how you acted, or whether you did the right thing. Living authentically means trusting yourself and your motivations because, even if you make a mistake, it’s easier to take responsibility when you know you’ve acted in line with your own values rather than following someone else’s expectations. This trust in yourself fosters confidence and resilience, allowing you to navigate life with a sense of integrity and self-respect. 

 

In other words, it allows you to open yourself up to trusting yourself and have others trust you. It allows others to understand and respect your integrity. You’re able to act quickly as you back yourself and aren’t worrying about performing your existence for someone else. By living authentically, you create a more fulfilling, low-stress life. 

 

Living an authentic life means you don’t have to wear different masks depending on the situation or the people you’re with. While you can still be flexible in how you act and the social roles you choose to play, staying true to your core values allows you to shed the stress of performing different personalities, as all these scenarios will naturally align with your values. 

 

What Stops Us from Living an Authentic Life? Feeling Trapped? 

 Explore the Fear 

 

Fear is a powerful force that can prevent us from stepping out and living an authentic life, keeping us stuck in unfulfilling relationships. Common fears, such as the fear of the unknown, being alone (as we saw in Rachel’s story), and the judgment of others, create a false sense of security in the familiar, even when it no longer serves us. Reflecting on and identifying these fears can be a helpful first step in living authentically. Once we recognise what’s holding us back, we can direct our energy toward overcoming it. 

 

This isn’t to say it’s easy. Discovering that you need to leave a long-term relationship or marriage to live authentically is incredibly difficult. There is grief in change, no matter the size, and that loss is a powerful emotion to face, let alone willingly walk into. People’s opinions can carry real weight, and leaving a partner can be met with resentment, misunderstanding, and even feelings of betrayal. That’s why it’s crucial to understand what truly matters to you. This clarity will help eliminate doubt and provide comfort during times of grief and distance. Holding fast to your true self will make it easier to reach the other side. 

 

That said, reflecting on what it means to be truly yourself might reveal that you no longer want to leave your partner. It could reignite your drive to improve your relationships and bring new life to them. Understanding who you are can enhance your ability to communicate your needs and receive feedback in a way that strengthens your relationships. 

 

All this to say, finding yourself doesn’t always mean leaving people behind. It’s about building courage. It’s not always about taking drastic actions like leaving a relationship but rather about making choices that resonate with your true self. Courage means confronting fears, acknowledging doubts, and making decisions that align with your core values. It’s about finding the strength to pursue what genuinely matters to you, even when it’s challenging, and knowing that you deserve a life that reflects who you truly are. 

 

So, How Do You Live an Authentic Life? 

 

We’ve talked a lot so far about values, but what does that mean?  

 

Our core values are meant to be our guiding principles. Just as businesses outline values to guide their actions and maintain a consistent standard, we should do the same in our personal lives. For a business, it’s easier to make decisions when they align with their values and to avoid actions that don’t. The same principles apply to our own values—they help us navigate our choices and ensure that our actions reflect what truly matters to us. 

 

So, how do we know what our core values are?  

 

Well, we find using Brené Brown’s values sheet to be a great place to start. The sheet lists common core values like accountability, reliability, and honesty, and it also allows you to add your own if you come up with ones that aren’t on the sheet.  

 

Go over the list and circle 15 of the values that stand out to you. Then, go over your shortlist again and continue to cull the values until you are left with just two. These two values will illuminate the core of who you are as a person. It is often enlightening to look back on your life and see how these core values have shaped how you have thought or acted in the past.  

 

“Now that we know our core values, it becomes easier to identify thought patterns or areas in our lives that don’t align with these values. For example, if one of your core values is accountability and your partner often refuses to take accountability for their actions, it becomes easier to discuss why this behaviour affects you so deeply. Understanding our values also helps us assess whether our relationships align with them, giving us the courage to make necessary changes, including leaving if needed.” 

  

Areas for Growth to Understand Our True Selves 

 

  • Self-Awareness and Self-Reflection: Understanding your needs and desires is crucial before making any major life decisions. Cultivating self-awareness allows you to connect with your true self, while self-reflection deepens this understanding. Engage in practices like journaling, meditation, or conversations with a trusted friend or therapist. These activities help you gain clarity, compassion, and insight into your feelings, ensuring that your decisions are aligned with your authentic self. 
  • Evaluating the Relationship (Not just your romantic ones): To determine whether your relationship supports your growth and aligns with your core values, ask yourself some key questions: Does this relationship allow me to be my true self? Does it help me grow? Are my values respected and shared? Reflecting on these questions can guide you in understanding whether your relationship is conducive to your overall well-being. 
  • Seeking Professional Help: If you’re feeling uncertain or overwhelmed, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counsellor. A professional can provide a safe space for you to explore your feelings, navigate your options, and support you in making decisions that honour your authentic self. 

 

Remember, the decision to stay or leave a relationship is deeply personal and should come from a place of self-awareness and authenticity. It’s essential to understand your true self and align your life with your core values. Living authentically means making choices that reflect who you are at your core, not just what others expect of you. This journey requires courage and self-reflection, but it’s a path that leads to greater fulfilment and a life that truly represents your values and desires. Everyone deserves a life where they can be their true selves, free from the burden of living inauthentically. Take the time to explore what authenticity means for you, and remember that you are worthy of a life that reflects your true self. 

 

 

Further reading & resources: 

Brené Brown’s list of values is a great resource in helping you identify your core values. Go through the list and circle 15, then slowly cull away the values until you get to 2. This resource is great as it allows you to add your own. You can check it out here: https://brenebrown.com/resources/dare-to-lead-list-of-values/  

 

Here are some stories of lived experiences of leaving a long-term partner. They highlight the importance of bravery in making life-altering decisions:  

https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/relationship-advice/moving-on/ending-a-serious-relationship/  

https://medium.com/unfaithful-perspectives-on-the-third-party/if-youre-thinking-of-leaving-your-spouse-read-this-50448bb90e77 

 If you are leaving a partner, it’s easy to forget all the governmental entanglements. Here’s a link to MyGov that outlines all the steps you need to take to separate: https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/breaking-up-with-your-partner?context=60029